Eve is going out with Rowan. That’s so unbelievably cute :3 They are gonna be like so perfect 🙂 Haha I haven’t had a boyfriend since year 6 and even he admitted that he’d never loved me. What a loser 😉
Was supposed to go to Southampton on Tuesday, but I couldn’t afford it. Supposed to also go to the cinema twice yesterday but Sarah couldn’t afford it and Nik had already seen Fast and Furious 6 but she said she’d think about it but then cancelled. But I thought it was okay because at least I could spend some time with Charlotte but no she bought Leon and Olie, and Dan and James. And now owe mum £60 and ‘m trying to save to go to France over Christmas. I’m just afraid of people, I can’t even deliver papers to the shops on my paper round. Wish I could be someone else. Not a day goes by when I’m not jealous of the lives my friends have. I just don’t want to feel scared anymore. I’m genuinely worried about myself.
Feeling better today but have had a lot of time to just think and I have no idea what to do with my life. I don’t know what to take at A level or even what I want to be when I grow up. I mean I want to be a cake maker, but that’s not realistic and won’t get the bills paid but then I would like to do something else but I’m too shy and you can’t do much when you’re that shy. Right I’m going to have a bitching session now so I apologise in advance but I do mean this right now. Louise, you told Rebecca you’d rather receive nothing from me than a cake but you didn’t tell me and to be honest you should be grateful whatever I give you, I don’t even have money let alone to waste on you. Charlotte you’re letting Leon control you simply because you don’t want to be alone, but the truth is if you keep ignoring the people who have been here the whole time you will end up alone. And I’m sick of everyone showing off what they’ve got, Rebecca with her guitar, Charlotte with her new clothes and everyone just going out all the time and I’m just stuck at home with no money even though I’ve worked for a month without spending any money just because I want to do like paintballing and go cinema with Sarah and Charlotte.
Hey what a surprise…I hate life again. Just used a pair of nail scissors and went over my old scar in hopes that I can keep it secret. I’m sure I failed my science exams, can’t afford to go to Southampton on Tuesday and I’m just sick of seeing what other people have. And yeah Esther and Rebecca tried to cheer me up about the exam but no-one else even made the effort. Charlotte J even said “get over it Castielle we know you’re gonna get A’s and A*’s”. Beginning to feel like a failure and that I’ll never do anything right.
I hate my life. Everyone I love lets me down or leaves me. I lead on my bed now just crying and I (feel) like such an attention seeker but the truth is I’m not okay. I’m an absolute mess, I get jealous of people so easily, feel left out if people don’t talk to me 24/7 and hate people behind their backs. This is the worst I’ve ever been and to be honest I just want to end it all.
Just wanted to cry all day. Don’t know why but I think I might just cry now. On a different topic I’m pissed off at Louise. Rebecca told me she said she’d rather receive nothing from me than a cake. She should be fucking grateful whatever I get her it’s not like she’s the best at giving presents. Esther and Eve are so cute. Just when I was about to cry they make me smile. I love them so much and their always there to cheer me up. I genuinely don’t know what I’d do without them.
Sarah was supposed to be coming round mine tomorrow to bake Georgia a cake but she’s cancelled. It’s not her fault but I just hate being let down. Everyone does it to me all the time. Georgia’s having a sleepover for her birthday and she’s only allowed 3 people so I’m not invited. I’ve never been to her house and to be honest I don’t think I will ever see her house. What’s the point in being nice when you aren’t confident enough to show people how nice you are? Being nice gets you nowhere. I’m still ignored in school, I’m still alone at home, why should I bother anymore? Or maybe this is just me attention seeking? But either way, being nice is all I have, I’m not pretty, rich, confident or even that smart. I just wish I was someone else…
Been constantly revising for my 3 science exams at the moment and I’m really worried about them. I’m also worried about Sarah. She’s been really upset lately about everything and I just hate seeing her like this, she deserves more than this. The amount of shit she’s gone through and now I think it’s just all coming back to get her. Braces suck. I have these biting blocks that are such a nuisance and I can only eat soft food. It’ll be worth it all in the end though!
Hey what a surprise, I’m feeling like shit again. Basically I was going to watch The Host today and I arranged it with everyone but then nobody could come which I was fine about but then Charlotte D asked if anyone wanted to go to Nando’s and everyone was like “yeah” which really pissed me off but I thought I’d go anyone because I am so lonely here and I haven’t been out at all in these holidays, but then yesterday I got a message from Louise saying “are you getting the train?” I had no clue what she was going on about but basically they’d changed the date and nobody had told me. And now Charlotte J and Sarah are going to watch The Host tomorrow and I can’t go because I’m getting my braces. I’m just so fucking angry and lonely and scared.
I haven’t written much in here in a while because this diary has been in my bag. The French exchanges have been and gone. I went to Nando’s last Friday with Esther, Rebecca, Eve, Rachel, Louise and Clarisse (Esther’s partner). It was such a good night. I’m so glad that I have such good friends and I love them. I had such a bad day yesterday though, I had my tetanus jab which wasn’t bad but I was nervous for it, I just handed my photography project in on time but I don’t think my final piece is very god and I think I got a C in my German test and I thought I knew it by heart. So basically last night I cried myself to sleep. I am glad I have shared my diary with everyone and everyone’s been trying to get into it 😉