Was supposed to go to Southampton on Tuesday, but I couldn’t afford it. Supposed to also go to the cinema twice yesterday but Sarah couldn’t afford it and Nik had already seen Fast and Furious 6 but she said she’d think about it but then cancelled. But I thought it was okay because at least I could spend some time with Charlotte but no she bought Leon and Olie, and Dan and James. And now owe mum £60 and ‘m trying to save to go to France over Christmas. I’m just afraid of people, I can’t even deliver papers to the shops on my paper round. Wish I could be someone else. Not a day goes by when I’m not jealous of the lives my friends have. I just don’t want to feel scared anymore. I’m genuinely worried about myself.
Feeling better today but have had a lot of time to just think and I have no idea what to do with my life. I don’t know what to take at A level or even what I want to be when I grow up. I mean I want to be a cake maker, but that’s not realistic and won’t get the bills paid but then I would like to do something else but I’m too shy and you can’t do much when you’re that shy. Right I’m going to have a bitching session now so I apologise in advance but I do mean this right now. Louise, you told Rebecca you’d rather receive nothing from me than a cake but you didn’t tell me and to be honest you should be grateful whatever I give you, I don’t even have money let alone to waste on you. Charlotte you’re letting Leon control you simply because you don’t want to be alone, but the truth is if you keep ignoring the people who have been here the whole time you will end up alone. And I’m sick of everyone showing off what they’ve got, Rebecca with her guitar, Charlotte with her new clothes and everyone just going out all the time and I’m just stuck at home with no money even though I’ve worked for a month without spending any money just because I want to do like paintballing and go cinema with Sarah and Charlotte.
Hey what a surprise…I hate life again. Just used a pair of nail scissors and went over my old scar in hopes that I can keep it secret. I’m sure I failed my science exams, can’t afford to go to Southampton on Tuesday and I’m just sick of seeing what other people have. And yeah Esther and Rebecca tried to cheer me up about the exam but no-one else even made the effort. Charlotte J even said “get over it Castielle we know you’re gonna get A’s and A*’s”. Beginning to feel like a failure and that I’ll never do anything right.
I hate my life. Everyone I love lets me down or leaves me. I lead on my bed now just crying and I (feel) like such an attention seeker but the truth is I’m not okay. I’m an absolute mess, I get jealous of people so easily, feel left out if people don’t talk to me 24/7 and hate people behind their backs. This is the worst I’ve ever been and to be honest I just want to end it all.
Just wanted to cry all day. Don’t know why but I think I might just cry now. On a different topic I’m pissed off at Louise. Rebecca told me she said she’d rather receive nothing from me than a cake. She should be fucking grateful whatever I get her it’s not like she’s the best at giving presents. Esther and Eve are so cute. Just when I was about to cry they make me smile. I love them so much and their always there to cheer me up. I genuinely don’t know what I’d do without them.